It’s been hard lately. A LOT has been going on – and most of it has been stressful. And it has taken it’s toll on me.
I try my best to stay strong and not show that I’m hurting. I don’t know why I hide my feelings so much. My guess is I don’t want to look weak – and I don’t want to scare people away. We’ve all had a Debbie Downer in our life before – and I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to be the person everyone avoids. I want to be happy, strong and put together – even though that’s the farthest from what I feel right now.
So the past few weeks, there have been times when my emotions got the best of me. As much as I’ve tried to put them in a tiny box far, far away from the surface – they find there way out.
One day I decided to take my son to the playground. We got in the car – drove there – and he immediately had a meltdown and wanted to go home. I don’t know why. He’s 2 – so he probably doesn’t know why either. But I so wanted to be out of the house that I didn’t read his mood and figure out that a trip to the playground was probably not the best idea. So we immediately went back into the car and drove home in rush hour traffic. I cried and cried and cried the whole time. My emotions could no longer be contained. I was trying so hard to stay busy and not feel – that when my son had his breakdown it made me slow down and feel my own emotions. I had stopped crying by the time we got home. It felt good – but not enough.
Then there was the day when my son was suppose to go to summer camp (which he LOVES) but instead woke up with a tummy bug (the bottom kind). So instead of running a few errands to get ready for upcoming Fathers Day, and then coming home to relax – I spent my day changing disgusting diapers and doing laundry. As I hoped into the shower after he went down for his nap, all I wanted to do was sit in the tub and cry and cry and cry. I didn’t. I don’t know why. I guess I had pushed my feelings back just enough not to.
Why is it that we are afraid to say help, I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m having difficulty coping, I’m alone. Why must we try to live our lives as if they are constantly on social media – happy and perfect? Why must we try to be super heros – taking on all tasks without the blink of an eye – nothing bothers us – we can do it all? Because we can’t. We are not superheros. We are people. Humans. With feelings. With limits. With boundaries.
And why is that the only way I can verbalize this is in secret Facebook groups where no one I actually know is a member – or on a completely anonymous blog post? Why does this have to be such a secret? WE ALL STRUGGLE. WE ALL BREAK DOWN. AND WE ALL DUST OURSELVES OFF AND BECOME OUR HAPPY SELVES AGAIN.
Is this what happened to the recent stars – Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain? Could they not tell their truths because of the image it would provoke? And they felt the only way out was to leave this Earth?
I don’t want that to happen to anyone. Ever. But it happens so much. It happens too much.
We need to stop the glorification of superheros. We need to realize that being human means having ups and downs, good times and bad, and being there for each other for all the moments.