I’ve been struggling with this for a while. With some aspects, I’m all me. I’m stubborn to a fault with some things and will not change for anybody or anything. But other things, I tend to hide, fade away, not show my true feelings. Usually those things come at the expense of rocking a boat I do not want to rock.
I have found myself holding back a lot lately – not making my voice heard, and not doing what I want. There are reasons, which I won’t go into here, but mainly it’s to keep the peace. Whether or not me doing what I want or making my voice heard will break the peace is unknown – but it’s a possibility, so that’s what scares me from doing so.
But lately, I’ve been bored, sad and scared. And that’s no way to live my life.
I’m bored with my normal routine. I don’t see or interact with a lot of people during the day, except for my young son. I do work, but I work from home so all my correspondence is pretty much via email. And my daily routine, while efficient and typically flies by, does not excite me or bring me joy.
I’m sad because of all this. I crave friendship – companionship – understanding, and I don’t get that during my day to day life. I want to be challenge – both physically and mentally. Right now with my injury, physical challenge is not to be had. But mentally even that’s a bit dulled down. I’m alone and bored, and that makes me sad.
And I’m scared. Scared to step out of my comfort zone. Scared to “rock the boat” and have to face the consequences. Scared to fail. Scared to upset someone. Scared that my life will be this sad and boring for the rest of my life.
I feel like I need a personal coach sometimes – someone to tell me to get up, get going and stop sulking. Someone to say – do this now. It’s the right time. Live your life. Be happy. Find joy. Forget about your fears. Do what you want to do. See that vision you have for yourself – go out and make it happen.
I’m trying to be that for myself now. Among the responsibilities and so forth, of course. But trying to think of ways I can be joyful and do what I want – make my visions a reality. It’s hard to think this way without bringing up fears. It’s hard to set those aside and unleash the dream wagon. But it’s time. If not now, when?
And now that I’ve covered many clichés in this post, I’m off to try to think of a vision, and make it happen!