As I went for a walk in the late-morning heat, after my podcast ended, it came. The guilt. The sadness. The need to fight back tears. This time it worked. I didn’t cry. Sometimes it doesn’t and the tears flow.
I have a wonderful life. I have a great husband. I have a beautiful baby boy. But I didn’t know.
I knew that life would change when we became parents. I knew things would get trickier, stickier and crazier. But I didn’t know the big change that would come.
I read a lot. I read professional sites. I read blogs. When talking about getting pregnant, actively trying, and being pregnant. I read. Asked friends for advice. I left no stone unturned. But I still didn’t know.
I knew that babies cried. I knew that they spit-up. I even knew that babies got reflux that caused them pain. But I didn’t know how difficult that could be.
I didn’t know that my baby would spend the first 6 weeks of his life crying, eating and spitting up almost everything that he ate, leaving me exhausted, frustrated and baffled as to what was going on. And I didn’t know how difficult it would be to find relief for his anguish.
I knew that babies could have head shape issues. I knew that they could end up in helmets. But I didn’t know that they would wedge themselves in-utero in such a weird way that would not only lead to a virtually impossible delivery, but a misshaped head that is virtually impossible to fix without interventions.
I didn’t know the guilt. I knew I would worry. I knew I would feel pressure. But I didn’t know I’d feel horrible for “not growing him right”. I know that’s not true – but the guilt still remains.
And I didn’t know the extent that outside pressures would create chaos in my should-be happy home.
I didn’t know that this would create a perfect storm of emotional upheaval for me. I never read about babies going from formula to formula, med to med, and still not finding relief for severe reflux. I never heard of the pain of trying to position your baby in just the right way to best “fix” their head shape problem. And I never knew that trying to be a good Mom would cause me so much agony, let alone what other issues lie outside my motherhood journey.
So that’s why I’m restarting this blog. I have a happy life. I have had some severe struggles and continue to have struggles. I know that will never end, but if I knew, maybe things could have been a little easier. So I’m writing this so others may not say “I didn’t know”