To say this past month has been challenging is an understatement. But somehow, I’ve made it through with (a little bit of) grace and dignity, and I haven’t alienated any of my dear friends and family members who’ve had to calm me down during the storm of my emotions.
- I cried when he didn’t nap. My son is 2 years and 8 months and strong-willed as any 2 year old. It was moving day – I had to be at work early that morning, go help move after work and before picking up the little one from preschool. We made the long trek down to my mother’s house, where we find refuge and a little bit of normalcy during the chaos of moving. I chatted with him the whole way to make sure he didn’t car nap on me, because after a week of packing up all our belongings, taking care of a 2 year old, and working the early shift – I needed a nap too. I daydreamed of co-napping in my Mom’s guest bedroom as we talked about Paw Patrol during the 40 minute drive. Then – he wouldn’t nap! He was tired – that was clear. But every time his eyes drooped he would rub them so hard he’d force himself awake again. To save his bedtime and a bit of our nighttime sanity, I had to drive him around on the interstate for an hour to get some nap out of him. Of course, I didn’t nap. I cried – I cried almost the whole freakin’ drive. Tired, ugly tears. Just cried.
- I (almost) cried when everyone wanted something from me. Again, high stress – high anxiety. And while I am eternally grateful for my mother coming over to our new home to distract our little one while we unpacked, it did create another person asking me where things are. When the 2 year old is crying for Mommy, my mother is asking where the tissue is (because of course it’s winter so the 2 year old has a perpetual cold), and my husband asking me where boxes go and why our dishwasher won’t work – I broke down. I didn’t cry – it was an almost cry. But the anxiety was crazy bad. This is why I’ll probably be a 1 kid mom forever – too many people asking me questions overwhelms my brain and I go a little coocoo.
- I cried after leaving the chiropractor’s office. I’ve been nursing a bad right hip for 9 months now. It started with a hip flexor tear and it never really became fully pain free after it healed. But I found ways – stretching, foam rolling and icing, to minimize the pain and with a few modifications I was able to maintain my daily workout with very little problems/pain. Then the left hip flexor gave out on me, and I knew something was off and I needed to get help. At the recommendation of a friend, I went to a new chiropractor/PT. He did X-rays, found my pelvis is way off balance (no freakin’ joke!) and told me 3 months without exercise. 3 days without exercise is difficult for me. It’s my stress management tool. I’ve tried so many things (meditation, yoga, reading, writing, etc.) and nothing helps my stress and anxiety like a good old fashioned sweat sesh. So I called my husband and cried on the phone as I left his office. Yes, I need to heal. Yes, I need to care for my aching body. But yes, I will find a way to workout that does not impede my healing. (Like today’s bicep curls and tricep kick backs routine.)
- I (almost) cried after a little girl who is old enough to know the difference – asked if I was a boy or a girl. I get it – no makeup, hair pulled back in a pony tail – and yeah, I’m not exactly sporting DD’s over here, and yeah, she’s a toddler. But without working out, eating like crap since Thanksgiving, and my stress showing up as acne all over my face – my confidence is way down. While I was polite to the mother who I know just felt awful, and my brain knows it’s just a toddler being a toddler, it bugged me.
So what am I doing about all this? Well, everything stems from a lot of stress on my little mind. So, I’m trying to find ways to ease this. One is tightening the diet. Usually if I exercise, I want to eat right. But if I don’t, I don’t focus on the diet so much (silly, right?). So even though it’s the holidays, tightening up the diet is very much needed. So working on meal plans, healthy snacking, nutritious dinners – that is a focus of mine. Also moving as I can – whether it’s doing a bit of upper body work, taking a walk, stretching or maybe even a bit of pilates and yoga as the hip begins to heal – I need to move in some manner. It may not beat the workout I am used to, or even really enjoy, but it’s needed. And finally, writing. I need to let the words I keep bottled up inside me out. So whether I share them with the world here or hide them away for no one to see, I need to write.